Today started as one of the most boring days ever. Until I texted this girl to see if she wanted to hang out. I stayed by my phone till like 5:00pm waiting for her to come get me but when she got me boy did things go crazy.
As the time gets closer and closer for him to come home for leave the more nervous I get. The military broke him and changed him and I’m scared of the person he’s become. He isn’t my best friend anymore and I knew it the day I saw him when he graduated boot camp. He isn’t the soft, sweet, kindhearted guy who had my heart in the palm of his hand. Now he’s just a cold and distant person. He’s but a memory to me. I think that’s what hurts the most. Knowing that the memories of him and the person he is now are totally different makes me feel like the memories were all just one big dream. A dream I do not want to wake up from. A dream I would be okay going into a coma for. I miss my best friend. He says he is there but to me he’s gone. The guy that I met, the guy I fell in love with… That guy is gone and I hate to say it but a part of me is gone with him. It’s sad really. I gave everything I had to him. My fragile heart was his to do with as he pleased and I was stupid enough to think he was going to guard it. I’m the only one that can do that.
Well, his leave was approved. I was happy about that. Till now. Now it’s like the worst news ever. It’s like knowing it got approved and probably not being able to see him breaks me in ways that I never thought I could be hurt. It hurts so much and I just wish I could rip him out of my heart. Before, knowing he was away made the sting of not seeing him less painful but now, knowing his leave got approved just hurts. He doesn’t care whether he sees me or not. I guess I’m still living in that fantasy world where he cares about me and loves me. I need to snap myself out of this funk. I need to get over him. I need to rip a part of my heart out and pretend I’m okay with losing him for good. It stresses me out knowing the guy I love doesn’t love me back. I’m numb at this point and I have no idea what to do…
“I’m not going to lie about this: Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I still sometimes cry myself to sleep because of you. Yes, I still see your face in a crowded room. Yes, I still drink sometimes to forget your fucking green eyes and the way they used to look at me. But no, I don’t want you to come back. You ruined me.”
This makes me think of you. But you didn’t ruin me. You actually made me better. You made me strive to be a better person. For that I thank you. But I can’t lie to myself. I miss you and your love more than I thought I would. And every time I think about it I always think and dream of the day you’ll come back to me. But let’s face it… It isn’t going to happen. Ever. I’m still hopeful it will happen. But hope will only go so far when you know what you’re hoping for will never happen. I had you, lost you, had you again, then lost you again. It hurts but I think it’s time to let go of the rope that holds us together and that’s our friendship…
It’s funny when you look back at your life and see that things fall apart to make room for better things to come together. I feel that if it weren’t for my number one motivators (my mom and dad) and the great team of my doctor and my therapist I would still be stuck in the same old hole that I used to be stuck in. Getting rid of negative people in my life helped too. At the time, I honestly thought my world was going to crash and burn but that was days ago. Now that I look back on what happened, I realize that I’m better off without these people. I realized that they weren’t really my friends. A real friend would have told me that the things I was doing and the path I was taking was one of self destructiveness. Instead, they joked with me and supported my negative actions. What great “friends” they were. At one point, I really wanted them back. I thought that my entire life revolves around these people. That without them life wouldn’t go on. But look at me. Living and stuff. Losing these people has opened my eyes to bigger and better things. Now I’m looking at the bigger picture of my life. I’m going back to school soon. I’m excited. My disability went through (thanks go out #1 to God and #2 my support team and doctors) if it weren’t for the fact that I buckled down and was consistent with this, I would’ve never gotten it. I’ve always said that I felt stuck. I blamed everyone but never once thought that maybe I was the one keeping me tied up. Seeing how buckling down and (with the help of God and my support team and doctors) I got something I wanted makes me feel like I can do anything. I gained a superpower I thought I had lost. I gained my motivation and the belief in myself. I believe that I can and will be able to do many things in my life. I will live a great life despite having a mental illness. Thank you Lord and Doctor Aracelis for bringing me back to life. (You too mom and dad ❤ )
Welcome back old friend
It’s so nice to see you again.
I see you missed me didn’t you?
Well the room you used to inhabit, the one that once was home to
them, is back to being yours.
Everything is just as you left it
except you have a lot more room now.
The room got bigger and emptier.
Now you have room to house your many friends.
Room to keep your problems tied down and away from everyone you know.
You can just put your mask on and go out and live
Thanks for housing yourself and your many evil friends
Inside my mind