You need me less than I need you…

The post with this title was supposed to be about how my best friend broke my heart but it’s going to be about something else entirely.  

 This is my husband Andres. He is super cute and nice and charming and caring and the best guy around. Problem is… He isn’t around. He left to Kissimee without me after my parents kicked him out of the house (yes, I live with my parents lol ) I’m empty without him but what I realized after being without him for so long is that I don’t love him. I had a deep sense of caring for him and I miss his company but I don’t love him. Thus, I don’t need him like I used to. I feel bad though cause he’s such a great guy. But I just don’t feel it like I used to…

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I’m not the one who’s so far away…

The more that I think about it the more I realize you can’t trust anyone in the world.

All they do is hurt you in the end.

So why trust anyone?

Nobody is worthy of you being vulnerable and fragile. They just fuck you over and fuck you up emotionally and mentally.

I thought people were good.

But I see that no one is good.

Everyone is messed up and selfish and cruel

The world is cruel

Maybe it’s time to harden my heart…

I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control…

Well, the one thing that I was afraid of happened. He really doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’t even want to be my friend. That’s the biggest punch in the gut…No, it’s the biggest stab to the heart I have had to endure in a long long time. But I took it very calmly. Thank you therapy. I’ve realized even though it seems like the end of the world now, it really isn’t. My horizons are bigger than what I think and I can’t wait to explore them. Wether alone or with someone else. It’s a fun adventure that will begin in the new year that’s to come. If he doesn’t see me for who I am then he doesn’t deserve me. I may be a little rough around the edges but I’m trying to change. I was changing for him but maybe it’s time to change for myself. He doesn’t deserve to see me at my best because he couldn’t handle me at my worst. Tough luck for him… 

I would give anything to chase the dark away and start all over again…

I know most of you on here don’t know me or how I am or maybe you’ve realized some of these post titles are actually song lyrics but that’s how I express myself. Music is the window to how I feel and into my mind. If I ever tell you to listen to a song just know I’m trying to relay my feelings to you.

 

Now back to what this post was actually going to be about. I really miss my best friend. Ever since he went and joined the Corps I barely speak with him and I’m very lonely without him. I wonder if this loneliness is because of my unrequited feelings for him or missing how we used to be and the memories I have of what our relationship used to be like. We went from talking all day everyday to barely saying three words to each other. It’s been hard on me and I wonder if it’s hard on him. I cry and get anxious when I don’t hear from him. But little by little, it’s getting to the point where I realize that I need to give him space. He is an adult now and does adult things. I shouldn’t freak out over this. We are still friends. I think it’s time to stop drowning in a cup of water.

Darling, you are Battle born…

It’s hard to think of myself as a fighter. I don’t think I really do much in my life. I sleep, eat, watch TV and occasionally go out (whether it’s with my parents or the few friends I have left). I never really saw myself as someone who’s endured things in life mainly because it feels like I don’t contribute to society. But I fight a battle everyday and it isn’t with any one person or one thing. The fights I have are internal. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m not a fighter. The fights I have are within myself. No one sees that. No one sees the struggle I go through on a daily basis. No one really sees the tears I shed at night or the thoughts that go through my head during the day. I’m always “up against a wall” so to speak. My mind is my worst enemy and in some cases my downfall. I always end up “dying on the street” until I realized it was time that I save myself. Nobody is going to do it for me. I have to be my own super hero, my own savior. I’m super grateful that my best friend is in my life because he was my “crutch” so to speak for a long time and because of him I didn’t die on the streets. He protected me for as long as he could. But I realized that he can’t save me forever. I want to save him now. With the help of my parents and Doctors and him, I am alive. I always thought that I deserved to die. I never would amount to anything in life and I would not be a good person. But look at me living and being awesome hahaha. I am a warrior. People may say that I’m not doing anything with my life but I know they are wrong. I’m bettering myself for myself and for the people c losest to me. So they know that I’m still willing to live and grow and love and be a strong person.

I AM A WARRIOIR AND I FIGHT!


 

 

Being blue is better than being over it…

   I sometimes question if being in love with him is a good idea.
This is my best friend Christopher. We have known each other for quite some time now and he’s been the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He’s thoughtful and smart. He is caring and silly. He brings out both the best and the worst in me. He’s put up with my shit for the longest time and he helped me monetarily when I needed it most. But what attracts me to him is his loving and thoughtless nature. He is strong but gentle. He loves even though sometimes he gets hurt. He tells me when I’m wrong and is there to share with me in the good times. He makes me think a lot about myself.

It’s funny. People tell me I have to think about myself and do things to make me happy. But in all honesty, everything I do, I do it with him in mind. I do it thinking “He’ll be proud of me.” I want him to think of the old me and see the new me and see that I’ve changed. I wanna be a better person for him and because of him. He’s my superman and he’ll always influence my life as long as he’s in it. I never want to lose him. He’s my drive. My motivation. My Marine ❤

December 2, 2015

I was going to write to you about the things that happened prior to today like my birthday and other events but I decided that I can make a post about all that stuff later. Tonight I want to focus on friends. I have been on tinder for the longest time. I’ve spoken to a whole bunch of people from just horny bastards to weird socially awkward people. But I made a few friends on there. This one guy, his name is Brandon, is one of the few people that are really sincere and kind. He’s very straightforward and I really like that about him. I had been calling him for the longest time and tonight he picked up the phone and we spoke. He is the kindest soul. I actually liked talking to him and hearing about his situations. He is strong. He’s gone through so much that it makes my life seem like a walk in the park. He made me look at my life in a new perspective and I thank him for that. To think, I always thought my life was the worst but I never once thought that someone else out there had it worse than I did. Well, that’s what was on my mind. Thank you for reading.