I don’t need this…

You get mad and my first instinct is to fix the problem…

Why?

Because I can’t stand knowing that you’re mad at me…

I get mad…

You ignore me…

Don’t put in the effort to see why I’m mad or do anything about it…

When did you’re feelings take precedence to mine?

When did I start caring more than you do?

Tell me…

Do I have no right to be mad?

Do I have no say in when things bug me?

Am I not supposed to feel anger when something angers me?

This makes me feel like my feelings have no validity anymore to you…

Maybe I’m just overthinking this…maybe I’m right…

But lately it seems like you don’t care…

“Oh, don’t say that…”

“You know you don’t really mean that…”

Well, it’s sad to say that I am feeling this way for a while now…

Especially when we fight…

I’m going to continue doing what I can but please don’t belittle my feelings…

I’ve gotten enough of that from everyone in my life and I really don’t want this from you…

 

 

How irrational can you be before you start making sense?

It seems irrational

It seems crazy

It seems weird

But I’m scared…

The uncertainty in my life right now makes me worry…

Makes me feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt in a long time and I don’t know what to really do to make myself feel better…

To feel normal…

It’s all I’ve ever really wanted…

I never asked to be bipolar…

I never asked to be clinically depressed…

I never asked for the anxiety I feel day in and day out at whatever time it decides to rear it’s ugly head…

I never asked to have borderline personality disorder…

I never asked to be different from everyone else…

I never asked to have a constant fear and a constant worry that I may break down and not be able to explain to anyone what’s going on…

I never asked for the panic and anxiety attacks…

I never asked for the fear that I will never be able to hold a job down because I may end up having an attack at work and getting fired…

I never asked for the fear that I won’t be able to hold down a stable and functioning relationship because my mentality on things is so messed up that I can’t differentiate between a guy that fights for me and a guy who only wants me for my body…

I never asked for my abandonment issues…

I never asked for the medications and pills I have to take to seem normal in this messed up society that’s soul purpose is to brand people like me as freaks…

But most importantly, I never asked for this life…

All this erratic behavior?

Why was it thrown at me?

I just don’t understand…

I have these “irrational” fears…

Fears that don’t make any sense…

Fears I’m scared or rather ashamed to tell anyone about…

Things normal people would be able to handle end up being my most horrid fears and things that if I think about for too long I can probably either get depressed about or get an attack…

I don’t want to be afraid anymore…

I don’t want to freak out at a walmart because I can’t find my boyfriend and I call him and he doesn’t pick up and my brain makes me automatically assume he left me there alone and scared…

That’s irrational because I know for a fact he would never do that…

But how can i know that in the heat of the moment when I’m freaking out?

How can I think rationally when everything about me screams unstable irrationality?

I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions…

And that is the biggest fear of all for me…

 

 

 

 

I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…

I’ve realized today that I wouldn’t be who I am today without the help of people in my life…

People change people

People bring out the best and sometimes the worst in each other…

But there are those rare and special moments where you realize that you’re being changed for good…

I thank each and every one of the people that have come into my life and stayed and those who have come into my life for a short while and left…

You all have made me the person I am today…

Mom and Dad

Brothers

Cousins

Boyfriends

Husband

Friends

Best friends

You have all affected me…

Changed my life…

Made me stronger in the midst of trials and tribulations…

Made me realize that my strength is buried deep inside me and the way to get it out of me is to look deep within and realize I can do it…

I can make it through…

In those moments where I thought I wouldn’t be ale to make it another day or make it to the next day because I felt like my life was falling apart before me and no one or anything could fix what I was going through…

That’s where all of you were…

With your hands held out to me…

You all were there to show me that I am not what I think I am but what I will become…

I am not a mere ghost of who I was in the past…

There is more to me than meets the eye…

I am a warrior and it took meeting you all to realize it…

One person in particular has made me realize a lot about myself I didn’t know…

I can be a jerk and a really bad one…

I can hurt people and leave when things turn out really badly…

I can not care or care too much…

I can hold things against a person for who knows how long or I can just as easily let things go and forget…

I can be sorry or not sorry…

I can sugar coat things and try not to hurt your feelings but I can also get you angry to the point where you will want to kill me…

I’ve also realized that this person has taught me that if you want love you have to work for it…

That it isn’t something you just get handed in a silver platter…

Love, the real kind, is something you work at for as long as you want it…

It’s never easy and it takes hard work and dedication to make love flourish and thrive…

For the longest time I thought I wasn’t worthy of love…

I have a lot of bad habits and things I wish I could change about myself but he’s showed me that regardless of everything someone as ugly as me can be worthy of a pure and true love that I never felt before from anyone…

I think the kind of love closest to the kind of love he’s shown me is the love my family has for me…

Regardless of how I am and who I decided to be and the life I decided to live they love me…

I know at the end of the day we will make it through anything because we won’t give up on each other…

Thank you Luis for everything you’re doing and everything you’ve done for me even though you know I am not the easiest person to love or care for…

Thanks for slowly but surely changing me for good…

 

 

 

 

“You’re the best friend that I’ve ever had…”

I guess people never truly realize how alone they really are…

People always tell you they have your back but do they really?

Do they really understand you well enough to know you front to back and back to front to

be able to say that they’ll genuinely stay?

Do they?

I have only really found one person like that and he ended up living states away now

because of the damn military…

I wish he would come back home…

I miss our late night talks that turn into us falling asleep together…

I miss him being just a walk or a bus ride away…

I miss singing with him to our songs…

I just miss him…

Make sure you two survive…

At the end of the day, you realize you don’t really know people the way you think you do.

They always end up surprising you…

Whether it be for good or bad…

They always end up surprising you…

Tonight I had the magnificent moment of clarity with someone who I thought would never

hurt me…. who I thought would end up understanding me for who I am… who i thought

would never judge me or ever say mean and hurtful things to me….

Boy was I wrong…

I thought he loved me

(Funny thing is I still think he does…)

But I guess pain and hurt and fear turns even the kindest of souls into something they

aren’t…

I hope to one day be able to forgive him truly for the things he said to me that will forever

mess up my self esteem even more than it already is… but I also hope to one day forgive

myself for letting my innermost demons out and messing him up…

I know he didn’t and doesn’t deserve it… the pain, anguish, hurt, uncertainty, the horrible

things that in the end will mess up how he views relationships and people…

But I also know that inside there is still the goofy, silly, dorky young man I fell in love with

and that is the person I want to spend my days with…

But while walking through the storms together i lost sight of the man I fell in love with…

It’s as though someone took him away and put this ugly and mean version in his place…

I never even realized the person who did that was none other than me…

But it’s time to fight and get him back…

“If you truly care about him you will take the leap and whatever comes you’re way to make sure you two survive…”

I want us to survive…

He’s my Butt Munch lol

I love him…

 

 

 

You’re a Rainbow in the Dark

It’s funny how the one person who I’m supposed to be open with on a regular and about everything isn’t the person that I’m open with…

I mean I love him so much and I want to be open with him but how can I be open with him if I myself don’t know half the things that are happening in my mind? I can’t be open if i don’t know what to say…

I realized that I space out a lot more than I used to… and it scares me a little how lost in my own thoughts I can get…

I wish I had someone who truly understands me… who can get that my silence means something’s wrong and instead of bombarding me with questions asking me what’s wrong he’d let me be silent and wait for me to be ready to talk or let me be silent without an explanation… I mean my silence isn’t always a bad thing really… or maybe it is and I’m just not one for talking about my problems or situations…

I’m not sure if it’s that I’m scared of being judged even though he says he isn’t going to judge me at all or the fact that I’m so used to tackling the world on my own…

I just hope that he understands that when I’m quiet it doesn’t mean I don’t trust him, I just don’t really want to talk about it… Is that so wrong???