Baby don’t hurt me…

Usually when bad things happen to people they cry. They show that emotion of sadness and complete and utter helplessness. Usually when people go through troubles, big troubles, they usually cry.

Crying is a show of emotions when nothing not even words can express how you truly feel. Something bad has happened to me and my first instinct should be to cry. It should be to feel defeated and angry. I should be upset I may have just lost one of the best guys I have ever been with. But as of right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness or a need to cry. Not a fear of the unknown happening or a horrible sense of “maybe I should go over there and make things right” There are no feelings to put next to these events. I guess it has to do a lot more with me then it does with him, the events, or anything else.

I don’t know what happened to me. I mean I care about this guy a lot.I usually never thought the love I ever had for anyone would dwindle and fade but it did. Either because I never truly tried hard enough to maintain that love afloat when the bad times came or because I never truly loved him at all. He has devoted a lot of himself into our relationship and into me and all I have given him in return is nothing but sadness and sorrow. I told him once that I didn’t think I was the one for him and he got mad at me. Little did he know that I was right. I’m always right about these sort of things.

I always thought that the guys that always fell in love with me were dumb but after thinking and seeing how this relationship has unfolded and all the ups and downs we faced together I realized that most if not all the guys I’ve dated were never the problem. The problem was/ is/ and always will be me. My mom was right and so was he. I always fuck things up. Good things.Sometimes great things. This is why, as much as I want people to get close to me, I’d much rather them not to. I am a toxic person. I’m no good for anyone

I’m sorry…

With great power comes great responsibility…

We have all heard that saying…

“With great power comes great responsibility”

It’s what’s been told to every superhero or man with great political power or great

social standing.

But what does it actually mean?

Does it really mean that one with such great power can change the world?

Does it mean that anything is possible for him or her with this so called “great power”?

I believe that any one person has a chance to change not only their world but the world of those around them.

My older brother did this…

I have to be honest though… it sucks that I got to see my brothers legacy when he had passed on but nonetheless he left a legacy among all his friends…

Every person that came in contact with was touched one way or another by him…

That’s the kind of thing I want to do with my life…

I want to leave legacies…

Remnants…

I want to be able to see those people that I come in contact with on a regular basis touched because they knew me…

I want to be able to hear them say “Hey, my life was changed because I knew/know her”

My Pastor left footprints in the lives of everyone she came in contact with…

Trust me when I say that was a lot of people too…

She was a great woman of God, a great spiritual and physical mother, a great mentor and a great friend.

She knew just what to say and when to say it…

She knew when you needed a hug and when you needed the council of a mother…

What I remember of her the most is her smile…

That smile that told me that I was okay and that she was proud of me…

Everyone that spoke at both my brother and my Pastors funeral had nothing but great things to say and great memories to share…

I want to be able to show others Gods love through my life…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have always told myself that I was destined for more…

I can feel it…

I know better things are ahead in both my physical and spiritual life…

 

 

Dearly beloved,

From the first day I laid my eyes on you I thought you were something different

Not like everyone else

I literally thought you were the answer to my prayers

My knight in shinning armor

The one person the Lord sent my way to complete me

To make me happy

You were everything to me

And for the longest time I believed that

I fooled myself into believing that the tears, the lonely nights, the anger, the hopelessness

was all because I deserved it.

I fooled myself into believing that everything was my fault.

Your anger

Being ignored

Feeling like I’m not good enough

The paranoia

The loneliness

The hurt

The tears

Everything

I fooled myself into thinking this is what love is and that I deserve the blame.

I thought if I just took it all upon myself maybe then I can make you happy…

Your feelings took precedence before mine, even though at the end of the night i ended up with tears in my eyes while you looked like you could care less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These zombies in the park, they’re looking for my heart…

I feel it…

It’s actually happening again…

It always happens…

Maybe I really am to blame…

Maybe I am a monster…

I wish someone could explain to me why this always happens to me…

Maybe in a past life I did something wrong and now I have to pay the consequences for my actions…

I really am starting to get tired of losing pieces of myself…

I feel like at one point I’m gonna lose myself completely…

There won’t be anything left of Michelle…

She’s just going to be a distant memory…

I have to be honest though, I don’t want to be bitter and angry and resentful.

That doesn’t help with my current condition.

I want to keep believing that people are good…

It’s just that the more I have that mentality, the more people disappoint me.

It makes me sad that even though I want them to be good they aren’t nor will ever be good people.

I’m slowly starting to feel like everyone is just horrible and mean.

No one will ever really understand me at all…

I guess it’s just a fact I’m going to have to deal with.

That just sucks so much.

I want someone to relate to me and what goes on in my head for once instead of making me feel horrible about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage…

Why is it that people don’t seem to understand why I’m afraid?

I just don’t seem to understand anyone…

It’s pretty obvious why I get scared easily…

My fear to love…

My fear to be vulnerable…

My fear of being alone…

My fear of ultimately being scared…

Fears are supposed to be a driving force in anyone’s life…

Without fears we wouldn’t learn how to be courageous…

And Lord knows we all need courage

The courage to be able to do the things we are afraid of…

I can’t handle having fears

Normal human emotions

They don’t compute in my mind…

I hate being scared…

Even if it’s just for fun

I can’t handle it.

But people don’t seem to understand that at all…

Being broken is the worst thing one can be now a days…

But it’s also the best in a way…

 

I don’t need this…

You get mad and my first instinct is to fix the problem…

Why?

Because I can’t stand knowing that you’re mad at me…

I get mad…

You ignore me…

Don’t put in the effort to see why I’m mad or do anything about it…

When did you’re feelings take precedence to mine?

When did I start caring more than you do?

Tell me…

Do I have no right to be mad?

Do I have no say in when things bug me?

Am I not supposed to feel anger when something angers me?

This makes me feel like my feelings have no validity anymore to you…

Maybe I’m just overthinking this…maybe I’m right…

But lately it seems like you don’t care…

“Oh, don’t say that…”

“You know you don’t really mean that…”

Well, it’s sad to say that I am feeling this way for a while now…

Especially when we fight…

I’m going to continue doing what I can but please don’t belittle my feelings…

I’ve gotten enough of that from everyone in my life and I really don’t want this from you…

 

 

How irrational can you be before you start making sense?

It seems irrational

It seems crazy

It seems weird

But I’m scared…

The uncertainty in my life right now makes me worry…

Makes me feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt in a long time and I don’t know what to really do to make myself feel better…

To feel normal…

It’s all I’ve ever really wanted…

I never asked to be bipolar…

I never asked to be clinically depressed…

I never asked for the anxiety I feel day in and day out at whatever time it decides to rear it’s ugly head…

I never asked to have borderline personality disorder…

I never asked to be different from everyone else…

I never asked to have a constant fear and a constant worry that I may break down and not be able to explain to anyone what’s going on…

I never asked for the panic and anxiety attacks…

I never asked for the fear that I will never be able to hold a job down because I may end up having an attack at work and getting fired…

I never asked for the fear that I won’t be able to hold down a stable and functioning relationship because my mentality on things is so messed up that I can’t differentiate between a guy that fights for me and a guy who only wants me for my body…

I never asked for my abandonment issues…

I never asked for the medications and pills I have to take to seem normal in this messed up society that’s soul purpose is to brand people like me as freaks…

But most importantly, I never asked for this life…

All this erratic behavior?

Why was it thrown at me?

I just don’t understand…

I have these “irrational” fears…

Fears that don’t make any sense…

Fears I’m scared or rather ashamed to tell anyone about…

Things normal people would be able to handle end up being my most horrid fears and things that if I think about for too long I can probably either get depressed about or get an attack…

I don’t want to be afraid anymore…

I don’t want to freak out at a walmart because I can’t find my boyfriend and I call him and he doesn’t pick up and my brain makes me automatically assume he left me there alone and scared…

That’s irrational because I know for a fact he would never do that…

But how can i know that in the heat of the moment when I’m freaking out?

How can I think rationally when everything about me screams unstable irrationality?

I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions…

And that is the biggest fear of all for me…