I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…

I’ve realized today that I wouldn’t be who I am today without the help of people in my life…

People change people

People bring out the best and sometimes the worst in each other…

But there are those rare and special moments where you realize that you’re being changed for good…

I thank each and every one of the people that have come into my life and stayed and those who have come into my life for a short while and left…

You all have made me the person I am today…

Mom and Dad

Brothers

Cousins

Boyfriends

Husband

Friends

Best friends

You have all affected me…

Changed my life…

Made me stronger in the midst of trials and tribulations…

Made me realize that my strength is buried deep inside me and the way to get it out of me is to look deep within and realize I can do it…

I can make it through…

In those moments where I thought I wouldn’t be ale to make it another day or make it to the next day because I felt like my life was falling apart before me and no one or anything could fix what I was going through…

That’s where all of you were…

With your hands held out to me…

You all were there to show me that I am not what I think I am but what I will become…

I am not a mere ghost of who I was in the past…

There is more to me than meets the eye…

I am a warrior and it took meeting you all to realize it…

One person in particular has made me realize a lot about myself I didn’t know…

I can be a jerk and a really bad one…

I can hurt people and leave when things turn out really badly…

I can not care or care too much…

I can hold things against a person for who knows how long or I can just as easily let things go and forget…

I can be sorry or not sorry…

I can sugar coat things and try not to hurt your feelings but I can also get you angry to the point where you will want to kill me…

I’ve also realized that this person has taught me that if you want love you have to work for it…

That it isn’t something you just get handed in a silver platter…

Love, the real kind, is something you work at for as long as you want it…

It’s never easy and it takes hard work and dedication to make love flourish and thrive…

For the longest time I thought I wasn’t worthy of love…

I have a lot of bad habits and things I wish I could change about myself but he’s showed me that regardless of everything someone as ugly as me can be worthy of a pure and true love that I never felt before from anyone…

I think the kind of love closest to the kind of love he’s shown me is the love my family has for me…

Regardless of how I am and who I decided to be and the life I decided to live they love me…

I know at the end of the day we will make it through anything because we won’t give up on each other…

Thank you Luis for everything you’re doing and everything you’ve done for me even though you know I am not the easiest person to love or care for…

Thanks for slowly but surely changing me for good…

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

“You’re the best friend that I’ve ever had…”

I guess people never truly realize how alone they really are…

People always tell you they have your back but do they really?

Do they really understand you well enough to know you front to back and back to front to

be able to say that they’ll genuinely stay?

Do they?

I have only really found one person like that and he ended up living states away now

because of the damn military…

I wish he would come back home…

I miss our late night talks that turn into us falling asleep together…

I miss him being just a walk or a bus ride away…

I miss singing with him to our songs…

I just miss him…

Make sure you two survive…

At the end of the day, you realize you don’t really know people the way you think you do.

They always end up surprising you…

Whether it be for good or bad…

They always end up surprising you…

Tonight I had the magnificent moment of clarity with someone who I thought would never

hurt me…. who I thought would end up understanding me for who I am… who i thought

would never judge me or ever say mean and hurtful things to me….

Boy was I wrong…

I thought he loved me

(Funny thing is I still think he does…)

But I guess pain and hurt and fear turns even the kindest of souls into something they

aren’t…

I hope to one day be able to forgive him truly for the things he said to me that will forever

mess up my self esteem even more than it already is… but I also hope to one day forgive

myself for letting my innermost demons out and messing him up…

I know he didn’t and doesn’t deserve it… the pain, anguish, hurt, uncertainty, the horrible

things that in the end will mess up how he views relationships and people…

But I also know that inside there is still the goofy, silly, dorky young man I fell in love with

and that is the person I want to spend my days with…

But while walking through the storms together i lost sight of the man I fell in love with…

It’s as though someone took him away and put this ugly and mean version in his place…

I never even realized the person who did that was none other than me…

But it’s time to fight and get him back…

“If you truly care about him you will take the leap and whatever comes you’re way to make sure you two survive…”

I want us to survive…

He’s my Butt Munch lol

I love him…

 

 

 

You’re a Rainbow in the Dark

It’s funny how the one person who I’m supposed to be open with on a regular and about everything isn’t the person that I’m open with…

I mean I love him so much and I want to be open with him but how can I be open with him if I myself don’t know half the things that are happening in my mind? I can’t be open if i don’t know what to say…

I realized that I space out a lot more than I used to… and it scares me a little how lost in my own thoughts I can get…

I wish I had someone who truly understands me… who can get that my silence means something’s wrong and instead of bombarding me with questions asking me what’s wrong he’d let me be silent and wait for me to be ready to talk or let me be silent without an explanation… I mean my silence isn’t always a bad thing really… or maybe it is and I’m just not one for talking about my problems or situations…

I’m not sure if it’s that I’m scared of being judged even though he says he isn’t going to judge me at all or the fact that I’m so used to tackling the world on my own…

I just hope that he understands that when I’m quiet it doesn’t mean I don’t trust him, I just don’t really want to talk about it… Is that so wrong???

 

 

 

 

You’re never going to grow up, you’re never going to be a man… Peter PanĀ 

I’ve been listening to Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini on repeat today. It makes me sad how naiive I truly am and how much I think I know about world when in reality I know nothing. I can relate to Peter Pan. Not wanting to grow up. Always living in Neverland. Living in a make believe place where everything is better than the true and harsh reality of life. I’m going to put it simply. I hate my life. I hate having to bounce around from place to place not knowing if I’ll ever have a safe place to call home. I hate my parents. I hate being stuck. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate hurting. All of the trials and problems of real life have no place in my “Neverland” so to speak. In my Neverland, everything is better. I’m at peace with my demons. I don’t fight them every minute of every hour of everyday. I have love and happiness and I’m not alone. All my fears disappear. This is why I live in my make believe world. I can’t handle the stresses of everyday life. I would much rather live in a place I’mhappy even if it isn’t real. Just like the song says “You’re always going to fly away, just because you know you can…” I fly away from reality when I’m in my Neverland. I can’t handle reality. I can’t handle living. I just can’t… 

Why?

  Losing no someone is never easy. It really isn’t. No matter how many times you go through it, it never gets easy. I’ve lost people in my life. My brother Joseph, my friend Michael, and now my spiritual mom…

It’s been a tough couple of days for me. Since getting the news Monday morning it’s been hard for me to not get depressed. I never expected to lose her. I never thought the last time I saw her was going to be THE LAST TIME. I never even got to tell her that I loved her. I took it for granted because I thought I was going to have more time with her. 

Now, I’m sitting here wondering why God did what he did. I know you’re never supposed to question God because he does how he sees fit but when you’re in your humanity you question and ask.

I sit here writing this it breaks my heart. Like I said before, losing someone is never easy. But God helps us get through it. 

…I think I’m falling, I’m holding on to all I think is safe…

Well, here we are again…

Same old problems but different days.

“When will this end?”

That is the question I ask myself on the regular.

It isn’t like my life is all roses but it isn’t all bad either.

It’s my insides that don’t let me enjoy anything

My mind is my worst enemy at this point

Why can’t I just go one day without thinking about how much life sucks?

MY LIFE DOESN’T SUCK AT ALL AND THAT’S WHAT FRUSTRATES ME!!!!!!

I have more than most people do

I don’t know what to do to brighten my situation…