How irrational can you be before you start making sense?

It seems irrational

It seems crazy

It seems weird

But I’m scared…

The uncertainty in my life right now makes me worry…

Makes me feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt in a long time and I don’t know what to really do to make myself feel better…

To feel normal…

It’s all I’ve ever really wanted…

I never asked to be bipolar…

I never asked to be clinically depressed…

I never asked for the anxiety I feel day in and day out at whatever time it decides to rear it’s ugly head…

I never asked to have borderline personality disorder…

I never asked to be different from everyone else…

I never asked to have a constant fear and a constant worry that I may break down and not be able to explain to anyone what’s going on…

I never asked for the panic and anxiety attacks…

I never asked for the fear that I will never be able to hold a job down because I may end up having an attack at work and getting fired…

I never asked for the fear that I won’t be able to hold down a stable and functioning relationship because my mentality on things is so messed up that I can’t differentiate between a guy that fights for me and a guy who only wants me for my body…

I never asked for my abandonment issues…

I never asked for the medications and pills I have to take to seem normal in this messed up society that’s soul purpose is to brand people like me as freaks…

But most importantly, I never asked for this life…

All this erratic behavior?

Why was it thrown at me?

I just don’t understand…

I have these “irrational” fears…

Fears that don’t make any sense…

Fears I’m scared or rather ashamed to tell anyone about…

Things normal people would be able to handle end up being my most horrid fears and things that if I think about for too long I can probably either get depressed about or get an attack…

I don’t want to be afraid anymore…

I don’t want to freak out at a walmart because I can’t find my boyfriend and I call him and he doesn’t pick up and my brain makes me automatically assume he left me there alone and scared…

That’s irrational because I know for a fact he would never do that…

But how can i know that in the heat of the moment when I’m freaking out?

How can I think rationally when everything about me screams unstable irrationality?

I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions…

And that is the biggest fear of all for me…

 

 

 

 

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