Baby don’t hurt me…

Usually when bad things happen to people they cry. They show that emotion of sadness and complete and utter helplessness. Usually when people go through troubles, big troubles, they usually cry.

Crying is a show of emotions when nothing not even words can express how you truly feel. Something bad has happened to me and my first instinct should be to cry. It should be to feel defeated and angry. I should be upset I may have just lost one of the best guys I have ever been with. But as of right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness or a need to cry. Not a fear of the unknown happening or a horrible sense of “maybe I should go over there and make things right” There are no feelings to put next to these events. I guess it has to do a lot more with me then it does with him, the events, or anything else.

I don’t know what happened to me. I mean I care about this guy a lot.I usually never thought the love I ever had for anyone would dwindle and fade but it did. Either because I never truly tried hard enough to maintain that love afloat when the bad times came or because I never truly loved him at all. He has devoted a lot of himself into our relationship and into me and all I have given him in return is nothing but sadness and sorrow. I told him once that I didn’t think I was the one for him and he got mad at me. Little did he know that I was right. I’m always right about these sort of things.

I always thought that the guys that always fell in love with me were dumb but after thinking and seeing how this relationship has unfolded and all the ups and downs we faced together I realized that most if not all the guys I’ve dated were never the problem. The problem was/ is/ and always will be me. My mom was right and so was he. I always fuck things up. Good things.Sometimes great things. This is why, as much as I want people to get close to me, I’d much rather them not to. I am a toxic person. I’m no good for anyone

I’m sorry…

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I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…

I’ve realized today that I wouldn’t be who I am today without the help of people in my life…

People change people

People bring out the best and sometimes the worst in each other…

But there are those rare and special moments where you realize that you’re being changed for good…

I thank each and every one of the people that have come into my life and stayed and those who have come into my life for a short while and left…

You all have made me the person I am today…

Mom and Dad

Brothers

Cousins

Boyfriends

Husband

Friends

Best friends

You have all affected me…

Changed my life…

Made me stronger in the midst of trials and tribulations…

Made me realize that my strength is buried deep inside me and the way to get it out of me is to look deep within and realize I can do it…

I can make it through…

In those moments where I thought I wouldn’t be ale to make it another day or make it to the next day because I felt like my life was falling apart before me and no one or anything could fix what I was going through…

That’s where all of you were…

With your hands held out to me…

You all were there to show me that I am not what I think I am but what I will become…

I am not a mere ghost of who I was in the past…

There is more to me than meets the eye…

I am a warrior and it took meeting you all to realize it…

One person in particular has made me realize a lot about myself I didn’t know…

I can be a jerk and a really bad one…

I can hurt people and leave when things turn out really badly…

I can not care or care too much…

I can hold things against a person for who knows how long or I can just as easily let things go and forget…

I can be sorry or not sorry…

I can sugar coat things and try not to hurt your feelings but I can also get you angry to the point where you will want to kill me…

I’ve also realized that this person has taught me that if you want love you have to work for it…

That it isn’t something you just get handed in a silver platter…

Love, the real kind, is something you work at for as long as you want it…

It’s never easy and it takes hard work and dedication to make love flourish and thrive…

For the longest time I thought I wasn’t worthy of love…

I have a lot of bad habits and things I wish I could change about myself but he’s showed me that regardless of everything someone as ugly as me can be worthy of a pure and true love that I never felt before from anyone…

I think the kind of love closest to the kind of love he’s shown me is the love my family has for me…

Regardless of how I am and who I decided to be and the life I decided to live they love me…

I know at the end of the day we will make it through anything because we won’t give up on each other…

Thank you Luis for everything you’re doing and everything you’ve done for me even though you know I am not the easiest person to love or care for…

Thanks for slowly but surely changing me for good…

 

 

 

 

You’re never going to grow up, you’re never going to be a man… Peter PanĀ 

I’ve been listening to Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini on repeat today. It makes me sad how naiive I truly am and how much I think I know about world when in reality I know nothing. I can relate to Peter Pan. Not wanting to grow up. Always living in Neverland. Living in a make believe place where everything is better than the true and harsh reality of life. I’m going to put it simply. I hate my life. I hate having to bounce around from place to place not knowing if I’ll ever have a safe place to call home. I hate my parents. I hate being stuck. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate hurting. All of the trials and problems of real life have no place in my “Neverland” so to speak. In my Neverland, everything is better. I’m at peace with my demons. I don’t fight them every minute of every hour of everyday. I have love and happiness and I’m not alone. All my fears disappear. This is why I live in my make believe world. I can’t handle the stresses of everyday life. I would much rather live in a place I’mhappy even if it isn’t real. Just like the song says “You’re always going to fly away, just because you know you can…” I fly away from reality when I’m in my Neverland. I can’t handle reality. I can’t handle living. I just can’t…