Baby don’t hurt me…

Usually when bad things happen to people they cry. They show that emotion of sadness and complete and utter helplessness. Usually when people go through troubles, big troubles, they usually cry.

Crying is a show of emotions when nothing not even words can express how you truly feel. Something bad has happened to me and my first instinct should be to cry. It should be to feel defeated and angry. I should be upset I may have just lost one of the best guys I have ever been with. But as of right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness or a need to cry. Not a fear of the unknown happening or a horrible sense of “maybe I should go over there and make things right” There are no feelings to put next to these events. I guess it has to do a lot more with me then it does with him, the events, or anything else.

I don’t know what happened to me. I mean I care about this guy a lot.I usually never thought the love I ever had for anyone would dwindle and fade but it did. Either because I never truly tried hard enough to maintain that love afloat when the bad times came or because I never truly loved him at all. He has devoted a lot of himself into our relationship and into me and all I have given him in return is nothing but sadness and sorrow. I told him once that I didn’t think I was the one for him and he got mad at me. Little did he know that I was right. I’m always right about these sort of things.

I always thought that the guys that always fell in love with me were dumb but after thinking and seeing how this relationship has unfolded and all the ups and downs we faced together I realized that most if not all the guys I’ve dated were never the problem. The problem was/ is/ and always will be me. My mom was right and so was he. I always fuck things up. Good things.Sometimes great things. This is why, as much as I want people to get close to me, I’d much rather them not to. I am a toxic person. I’m no good for anyone

I’m sorry…

These zombies in the park, they’re looking for my heart…

I feel it…

It’s actually happening again…

It always happens…

Maybe I really am to blame…

Maybe I am a monster…

I wish someone could explain to me why this always happens to me…

Maybe in a past life I did something wrong and now I have to pay the consequences for my actions…

I really am starting to get tired of losing pieces of myself…

I feel like at one point I’m gonna lose myself completely…

There won’t be anything left of Michelle…

She’s just going to be a distant memory…

I have to be honest though, I don’t want to be bitter and angry and resentful.

That doesn’t help with my current condition.

I want to keep believing that people are good…

It’s just that the more I have that mentality, the more people disappoint me.

It makes me sad that even though I want them to be good they aren’t nor will ever be good people.

I’m slowly starting to feel like everyone is just horrible and mean.

No one will ever really understand me at all…

I guess it’s just a fact I’m going to have to deal with.

That just sucks so much.

I want someone to relate to me and what goes on in my head for once instead of making me feel horrible about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 2, 2015

I was going to write to you about the things that happened prior to today like my birthday and other events but I decided that I can make a post about all that stuff later. Tonight I want to focus on friends. I have been on tinder for the longest time. I’ve spoken to a whole bunch of people from just horny bastards to weird socially awkward people. But I made a few friends on there. This one guy, his name is Brandon, is one of the few people that are really sincere and kind. He’s very straightforward and I really like that about him. I had been calling him for the longest time and tonight he picked up the phone and we spoke. He is the kindest soul. I actually liked talking to him and hearing about his situations. He is strong. He’s gone through so much that it makes my life seem like a walk in the park. He made me look at my life in a new perspective and I thank him for that. To think, I always thought my life was the worst but I never once thought that someone else out there had it worse than I did. Well, that’s what was on my mind. Thank you for reading.