Baby don’t hurt me…

Usually when bad things happen to people they cry. They show that emotion of sadness and complete and utter helplessness. Usually when people go through troubles, big troubles, they usually cry.

Crying is a show of emotions when nothing not even words can express how you truly feel. Something bad has happened to me and my first instinct should be to cry. It should be to feel defeated and angry. I should be upset I may have just lost one of the best guys I have ever been with. But as of right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness or a need to cry. Not a fear of the unknown happening or a horrible sense of “maybe I should go over there and make things right” There are no feelings to put next to these events. I guess it has to do a lot more with me then it does with him, the events, or anything else.

I don’t know what happened to me. I mean I care about this guy a lot.I usually never thought the love I ever had for anyone would dwindle and fade but it did. Either because I never truly tried hard enough to maintain that love afloat when the bad times came or because I never truly loved him at all. He has devoted a lot of himself into our relationship and into me and all I have given him in return is nothing but sadness and sorrow. I told him once that I didn’t think I was the one for him and he got mad at me. Little did he know that I was right. I’m always right about these sort of things.

I always thought that the guys that always fell in love with me were dumb but after thinking and seeing how this relationship has unfolded and all the ups and downs we faced together I realized that most if not all the guys I’ve dated were never the problem. The problem was/ is/ and always will be me. My mom was right and so was he. I always fuck things up. Good things.Sometimes great things. This is why, as much as I want people to get close to me, I’d much rather them not to. I am a toxic person. I’m no good for anyone

I’m sorry…

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Make sure you two survive…

At the end of the day, you realize you don’t really know people the way you think you do.

They always end up surprising you…

Whether it be for good or bad…

They always end up surprising you…

Tonight I had the magnificent moment of clarity with someone who I thought would never

hurt me…. who I thought would end up understanding me for who I am… who i thought

would never judge me or ever say mean and hurtful things to me….

Boy was I wrong…

I thought he loved me

(Funny thing is I still think he does…)

But I guess pain and hurt and fear turns even the kindest of souls into something they

aren’t…

I hope to one day be able to forgive him truly for the things he said to me that will forever

mess up my self esteem even more than it already is… but I also hope to one day forgive

myself for letting my innermost demons out and messing him up…

I know he didn’t and doesn’t deserve it… the pain, anguish, hurt, uncertainty, the horrible

things that in the end will mess up how he views relationships and people…

But I also know that inside there is still the goofy, silly, dorky young man I fell in love with

and that is the person I want to spend my days with…

But while walking through the storms together i lost sight of the man I fell in love with…

It’s as though someone took him away and put this ugly and mean version in his place…

I never even realized the person who did that was none other than me…

But it’s time to fight and get him back…

“If you truly care about him you will take the leap and whatever comes you’re way to make sure you two survive…”

I want us to survive…

He’s my Butt Munch lol

I love him…

 

 

 

November 21, 2015

As the time gets closer and closer for him to come home for leave the more nervous I get. The military broke him and changed him and I’m scared of the person he’s become. He isn’t my best friend anymore and I knew it the day I saw him when he graduated boot camp. He isn’t the soft, sweet, kindhearted guy who had my heart in the palm of his hand. Now he’s just a cold and distant person. He’s but a memory to me. I think that’s what hurts the most. Knowing that the memories of him and the person he is now are totally different makes me feel like the memories were all just one big dream. A dream I do not want to wake up from. A dream I would be okay going into a coma for. I miss my best friend. He says he is there but to me he’s gone. The guy that I met, the guy I fell in love with… That guy is gone and I hate to say it but a part of me is gone with him. It’s sad really. I gave everything I had to him. My fragile heart was his to do with as he pleased and I was stupid enough to think he was going to guard it. I’m the only one that can do that. 

November 20th, 2015

Well, his leave was approved. I was happy about that. Till now. Now it’s like the worst news ever. It’s like knowing it got approved and probably not being able to see him breaks me in ways that I never thought I could be hurt. It hurts so much and I just wish I could rip him out of my heart. Before, knowing he was away made the sting of not seeing him less painful but now, knowing his leave got approved just hurts. He doesn’t care whether he sees me or not. I guess I’m still living in that fantasy world where he cares about me and loves me. I need to snap myself out of this funk. I need to get over him. I need to rip a part of my heart out and pretend I’m okay with losing him for good. It stresses me out knowing the guy I love doesn’t love me back. I’m numb at this point and I have no idea what to do…