How irrational can you be before you start making sense?

It seems irrational

It seems crazy

It seems weird

But I’m scared…

The uncertainty in my life right now makes me worry…

Makes me feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt in a long time and I don’t know what to really do to make myself feel better…

To feel normal…

It’s all I’ve ever really wanted…

I never asked to be bipolar…

I never asked to be clinically depressed…

I never asked for the anxiety I feel day in and day out at whatever time it decides to rear it’s ugly head…

I never asked to have borderline personality disorder…

I never asked to be different from everyone else…

I never asked to have a constant fear and a constant worry that I may break down and not be able to explain to anyone what’s going on…

I never asked for the panic and anxiety attacks…

I never asked for the fear that I will never be able to hold a job down because I may end up having an attack at work and getting fired…

I never asked for the fear that I won’t be able to hold down a stable and functioning relationship because my mentality on things is so messed up that I can’t differentiate between a guy that fights for me and a guy who only wants me for my body…

I never asked for my abandonment issues…

I never asked for the medications and pills I have to take to seem normal in this messed up society that’s soul purpose is to brand people like me as freaks…

But most importantly, I never asked for this life…

All this erratic behavior?

Why was it thrown at me?

I just don’t understand…

I have these “irrational” fears…

Fears that don’t make any sense…

Fears I’m scared or rather ashamed to tell anyone about…

Things normal people would be able to handle end up being my most horrid fears and things that if I think about for too long I can probably either get depressed about or get an attack…

I don’t want to be afraid anymore…

I don’t want to freak out at a walmart because I can’t find my boyfriend and I call him and he doesn’t pick up and my brain makes me automatically assume he left me there alone and scared…

That’s irrational because I know for a fact he would never do that…

But how can i know that in the heat of the moment when I’m freaking out?

How can I think rationally when everything about me screams unstable irrationality?

I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions…

And that is the biggest fear of all for me…

 

 

 

 

You’re a Rainbow in the Dark

It’s funny how the one person who I’m supposed to be open with on a regular and about everything isn’t the person that I’m open with…

I mean I love him so much and I want to be open with him but how can I be open with him if I myself don’t know half the things that are happening in my mind? I can’t be open if i don’t know what to say…

I realized that I space out a lot more than I used to… and it scares me a little how lost in my own thoughts I can get…

I wish I had someone who truly understands me… who can get that my silence means something’s wrong and instead of bombarding me with questions asking me what’s wrong he’d let me be silent and wait for me to be ready to talk or let me be silent without an explanation… I mean my silence isn’t always a bad thing really… or maybe it is and I’m just not one for talking about my problems or situations…

I’m not sure if it’s that I’m scared of being judged even though he says he isn’t going to judge me at all or the fact that I’m so used to tackling the world on my own…

I just hope that he understands that when I’m quiet it doesn’t mean I don’t trust him, I just don’t really want to talk about it… Is that so wrong???

 

 

 

 

…I think I’m falling, I’m holding on to all I think is safe…

Well, here we are again…

Same old problems but different days.

“When will this end?”

That is the question I ask myself on the regular.

It isn’t like my life is all roses but it isn’t all bad either.

It’s my insides that don’t let me enjoy anything

My mind is my worst enemy at this point

Why can’t I just go one day without thinking about how much life sucks?

MY LIFE DOESN’T SUCK AT ALL AND THAT’S WHAT FRUSTRATES ME!!!!!!

I have more than most people do

I don’t know what to do to brighten my situation…

This was no accident, it was a therapeutic chain of events…

Hello world

Sorry for being absent from here. Just had a lot to deal with a lot of things in my personal life but I’m back and raring to go.

Life has been pretty good to me what with my mental illnesses being in check and finding Freddy and leaving the past behind me. I’ve started going to school at nights now and it’s the best thing ever. I’ve made friends and I actually enjoy the classwork. I’m pushing to be a better version of myself and I’m proud of that. Life has been really good to me. God has shown me that his grace and mercy is never ending and I’m so glad I have him in my life.

The Lord works in mysterious and sometimes really great ways. sunset-socialphy-com_ He is in control of everything that happens in my life. I believe that everything that I’ve been through in my 22 years of life have all been guided by his hand. Like the song says, “Dios no me da cargas que no pueda llevar…” He doesn’t give me more than I can handle. He knows how much I can take and how strong I am. He is my strength when I’m weak and my smile when I’m sad. All those times where I felt like the world was ending were just moments where he wanted me to lean on him. I have to be honest with you all, I feel like the Lord just wants me to open up to him and believe that he is really in charge of my life and everything that happens but I don’t think I’m ready to take that step. I know about the Lord because I was born into the church and my parents are pastors and they’re always pushing the word and the Lord on me. But I saw that the approach that they were doing wasn’t really helping me in any way, shape, or form. So I told them to quit it. But in my heart I know that the Lord is there for me and he’s very much alive. He’s always looking out for me. When I used to get kicked out of my house for every little thing I would do because I was very reckless and impulsive, I was always on the streets at weird times of the night. Once at 3 in the morning I was walking around by myself. At the time, I was always feeling paranoid and I always thought someone was following me. I knew the Lord protected me from ever getting hurt or killed. I know it was him. I can feel it. He is just truly amazing. I never deserved his love but there he is always giving it.

I would give anything to chase the dark away and start all over again…

I know most of you on here don’t know me or how I am or maybe you’ve realized some of these post titles are actually song lyrics but that’s how I express myself. Music is the window to how I feel and into my mind. If I ever tell you to listen to a song just know I’m trying to relay my feelings to you.

 

Now back to what this post was actually going to be about. I really miss my best friend. Ever since he went and joined the Corps I barely speak with him and I’m very lonely without him. I wonder if this loneliness is because of my unrequited feelings for him or missing how we used to be and the memories I have of what our relationship used to be like. We went from talking all day everyday to barely saying three words to each other. It’s been hard on me and I wonder if it’s hard on him. I cry and get anxious when I don’t hear from him. But little by little, it’s getting to the point where I realize that I need to give him space. He is an adult now and does adult things. I shouldn’t freak out over this. We are still friends. I think it’s time to stop drowning in a cup of water.

November 17th, 2015

It’s funny when you look back at your life and see that things fall apart to make room for better things to come together. I feel that if it weren’t for my number one motivators (my mom and dad) and the great team of my doctor and my therapist I would still be stuck in the same old hole that I used to be stuck in. Getting rid of negative people in my life helped too. At the time, I honestly thought my world was going to crash and burn but that was days ago. Now that I look back on what happened, I realize that I’m better off without these people. I realized that they weren’t really my friends. A real friend would have told me that the things I was doing and the path I was taking was one of self destructiveness. Instead, they joked with me and supported my negative actions. What great “friends” they were. At one point, I really wanted them back. I thought that my entire life revolves around these people. That without them life wouldn’t go on. But look at me. Living and stuff. Losing these people has opened my eyes to bigger and better things. Now I’m looking at the bigger picture of my life. I’m going back to school soon. I’m excited. My disability went through (thanks go out #1 to God and #2 my support team and doctors) if it weren’t for the fact that I buckled down and was consistent with this, I would’ve never gotten it. I’ve always said that I felt stuck. I blamed everyone but never once thought that maybe I was the one keeping me tied up. Seeing how buckling down and (with the help of God and my support team and doctors) I got something I wanted makes me feel like I can do anything. I gained a superpower I thought I had lost. I gained my motivation and the belief in myself. I believe that I can and will be able to do many things in my life. I will live a great life despite having a mental illness. Thank you Lord and Doctor Aracelis for bringing me back to life. (You too mom and dad ❤ )