Usually when bad things happen to people they cry. They show that emotion of sadness and complete and utter helplessness. Usually when people go through troubles, big troubles, they usually cry.
Crying is a show of emotions when nothing not even words can express how you truly feel. Something bad has happened to me and my first instinct should be to cry. It should be to feel defeated and angry. I should be upset I may have just lost one of the best guys I have ever been with. But as of right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness or a need to cry. Not a fear of the unknown happening or a horrible sense of “maybe I should go over there and make things right” There are no feelings to put next to these events. I guess it has to do a lot more with me then it does with him, the events, or anything else.
I don’t know what happened to me. I mean I care about this guy a lot.I usually never thought the love I ever had for anyone would dwindle and fade but it did. Either because I never truly tried hard enough to maintain that love afloat when the bad times came or because I never truly loved him at all. He has devoted a lot of himself into our relationship and into me and all I have given him in return is nothing but sadness and sorrow. I told him once that I didn’t think I was the one for him and he got mad at me. Little did he know that I was right. I’m always right about these sort of things.
I always thought that the guys that always fell in love with me were dumb but after thinking and seeing how this relationship has unfolded and all the ups and downs we faced together I realized that most if not all the guys I’ve dated were never the problem. The problem was/ is/ and always will be me. My mom was right and so was he. I always fuck things up. Good things.Sometimes great things. This is why, as much as I want people to get close to me, I’d much rather them not to. I am a toxic person. I’m no good for anyone
From the first day I laid my eyes on you I thought you were something different
Not like everyone else
I literally thought you were the answer to my prayers
My knight in shinning armor
The one person the Lord sent my way to complete me
To make me happy
You were everything to me
And for the longest time I believed that
I fooled myself into believing that the tears, the lonely nights, the anger, the hopelessness
was all because I deserved it.
I fooled myself into believing that everything was my fault.
Feeling like I’m not good enough
I fooled myself into thinking this is what love is and that I deserve the blame.
I thought if I just took it all upon myself maybe then I can make you happy…
Your feelings took precedence before mine, even though at the end of the night i ended up with tears in my eyes while you looked like you could care less.
It’s funny how the one person who I’m supposed to be open with on a regular and about everything isn’t the person that I’m open with…
I mean I love him so much and I want to be open with him but how can I be open with him if I myself don’t know half the things that are happening in my mind? I can’t be open if i don’t know what to say…
I realized that I space out a lot more than I used to… and it scares me a little how lost in my own thoughts I can get…
I wish I had someone who truly understands me… who can get that my silence means something’s wrong and instead of bombarding me with questions asking me what’s wrong he’d let me be silent and wait for me to be ready to talk or let me be silent without an explanation… I mean my silence isn’t always a bad thing really… or maybe it is and I’m just not one for talking about my problems or situations…
I’m not sure if it’s that I’m scared of being judged even though he says he isn’t going to judge me at all or the fact that I’m so used to tackling the world on my own…
I just hope that he understands that when I’m quiet it doesn’t mean I don’t trust him, I just don’t really want to talk about it… Is that so wrong???