Baby don’t hurt me…

Usually when bad things happen to people they cry. They show that emotion of sadness and complete and utter helplessness. Usually when people go through troubles, big troubles, they usually cry.

Crying is a show of emotions when nothing not even words can express how you truly feel. Something bad has happened to me and my first instinct should be to cry. It should be to feel defeated and angry. I should be upset I may have just lost one of the best guys I have ever been with. But as of right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness or a need to cry. Not a fear of the unknown happening or a horrible sense of “maybe I should go over there and make things right” There are no feelings to put next to these events. I guess it has to do a lot more with me then it does with him, the events, or anything else.

I don’t know what happened to me. I mean I care about this guy a lot.I usually never thought the love I ever had for anyone would dwindle and fade but it did. Either because I never truly tried hard enough to maintain that love afloat when the bad times came or because I never truly loved him at all. He has devoted a lot of himself into our relationship and into me and all I have given him in return is nothing but sadness and sorrow. I told him once that I didn’t think I was the one for him and he got mad at me. Little did he know that I was right. I’m always right about these sort of things.

I always thought that the guys that always fell in love with me were dumb but after thinking and seeing how this relationship has unfolded and all the ups and downs we faced together I realized that most if not all the guys I’ve dated were never the problem. The problem was/ is/ and always will be me. My mom was right and so was he. I always fuck things up. Good things.Sometimes great things. This is why, as much as I want people to get close to me, I’d much rather them not to. I am a toxic person. I’m no good for anyone

I’m sorry…

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Dearly beloved,

From the first day I laid my eyes on you I thought you were something different

Not like everyone else

I literally thought you were the answer to my prayers

My knight in shinning armor

The one person the Lord sent my way to complete me

To make me happy

You were everything to me

And for the longest time I believed that

I fooled myself into believing that the tears, the lonely nights, the anger, the hopelessness

was all because I deserved it.

I fooled myself into believing that everything was my fault.

Your anger

Being ignored

Feeling like I’m not good enough

The paranoia

The loneliness

The hurt

The tears

Everything

I fooled myself into thinking this is what love is and that I deserve the blame.

I thought if I just took it all upon myself maybe then I can make you happy…

Your feelings took precedence before mine, even though at the end of the night i ended up with tears in my eyes while you looked like you could care less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These zombies in the park, they’re looking for my heart…

I feel it…

It’s actually happening again…

It always happens…

Maybe I really am to blame…

Maybe I am a monster…

I wish someone could explain to me why this always happens to me…

Maybe in a past life I did something wrong and now I have to pay the consequences for my actions…

I really am starting to get tired of losing pieces of myself…

I feel like at one point I’m gonna lose myself completely…

There won’t be anything left of Michelle…

She’s just going to be a distant memory…

I have to be honest though, I don’t want to be bitter and angry and resentful.

That doesn’t help with my current condition.

I want to keep believing that people are good…

It’s just that the more I have that mentality, the more people disappoint me.

It makes me sad that even though I want them to be good they aren’t nor will ever be good people.

I’m slowly starting to feel like everyone is just horrible and mean.

No one will ever really understand me at all…

I guess it’s just a fact I’m going to have to deal with.

That just sucks so much.

I want someone to relate to me and what goes on in my head for once instead of making me feel horrible about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 19th, 2015 

“I’m not going to lie about this: Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I still sometimes cry myself to sleep because of you. Yes, I still see your face in a crowded room. Yes, I still drink sometimes to forget your fucking green eyes and the way they used to look at me. But no, I don’t want you to come back. You ruined me.”
This makes me think of you. But you didn’t ruin me. You actually made me better. You made me strive to be a better person. For that I thank you. But I can’t lie to myself. I miss you and your love more than I thought I would. And every time I think about it I always think and dream of the day you’ll come back to me. But let’s face it… It isn’t going to happen. Ever. I’m still hopeful it will happen. But hope will only go so far when you know what you’re hoping for will never happen. I had you, lost you, had you again, then lost you again. It hurts but I think it’s time to let go of the rope that holds us together and that’s our friendship…