These zombies in the park, they’re looking for my heart…

I feel it…

It’s actually happening again…

It always happens…

Maybe I really am to blame…

Maybe I am a monster…

I wish someone could explain to me why this always happens to me…

Maybe in a past life I did something wrong and now I have to pay the consequences for my actions…

I really am starting to get tired of losing pieces of myself…

I feel like at one point I’m gonna lose myself completely…

There won’t be anything left of Michelle…

She’s just going to be a distant memory…

I have to be honest though, I don’t want to be bitter and angry and resentful.

That doesn’t help with my current condition.

I want to keep believing that people are good…

It’s just that the more I have that mentality, the more people disappoint me.

It makes me sad that even though I want them to be good they aren’t nor will ever be good people.

I’m slowly starting to feel like everyone is just horrible and mean.

No one will ever really understand me at all…

I guess it’s just a fact I’m going to have to deal with.

That just sucks so much.

I want someone to relate to me and what goes on in my head for once instead of making me feel horrible about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’re a Rainbow in the Dark

It’s funny how the one person who I’m supposed to be open with on a regular and about everything isn’t the person that I’m open with…

I mean I love him so much and I want to be open with him but how can I be open with him if I myself don’t know half the things that are happening in my mind? I can’t be open if i don’t know what to say…

I realized that I space out a lot more than I used to… and it scares me a little how lost in my own thoughts I can get…

I wish I had someone who truly understands me… who can get that my silence means something’s wrong and instead of bombarding me with questions asking me what’s wrong he’d let me be silent and wait for me to be ready to talk or let me be silent without an explanation… I mean my silence isn’t always a bad thing really… or maybe it is and I’m just not one for talking about my problems or situations…

I’m not sure if it’s that I’m scared of being judged even though he says he isn’t going to judge me at all or the fact that I’m so used to tackling the world on my own…

I just hope that he understands that when I’m quiet it doesn’t mean I don’t trust him, I just don’t really want to talk about it… Is that so wrong???

 

 

 

 

You’re never going to grow up, you’re never going to be a man… Peter PanĀ 

I’ve been listening to Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini on repeat today. It makes me sad how naiive I truly am and how much I think I know about world when in reality I know nothing. I can relate to Peter Pan. Not wanting to grow up. Always living in Neverland. Living in a make believe place where everything is better than the true and harsh reality of life. I’m going to put it simply. I hate my life. I hate having to bounce around from place to place not knowing if I’ll ever have a safe place to call home. I hate my parents. I hate being stuck. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate hurting. All of the trials and problems of real life have no place in my “Neverland” so to speak. In my Neverland, everything is better. I’m at peace with my demons. I don’t fight them every minute of every hour of everyday. I have love and happiness and I’m not alone. All my fears disappear. This is why I live in my make believe world. I can’t handle the stresses of everyday life. I would much rather live in a place I’mhappy even if it isn’t real. Just like the song says “You’re always going to fly away, just because you know you can…” I fly away from reality when I’m in my Neverland. I can’t handle reality. I can’t handle living. I just can’t… 

…I think I’m falling, I’m holding on to all I think is safe…

Well, here we are again…

Same old problems but different days.

“When will this end?”

That is the question I ask myself on the regular.

It isn’t like my life is all roses but it isn’t all bad either.

It’s my insides that don’t let me enjoy anything

My mind is my worst enemy at this point

Why can’t I just go one day without thinking about how much life sucks?

MY LIFE DOESN’T SUCK AT ALL AND THAT’S WHAT FRUSTRATES ME!!!!!!

I have more than most people do

I don’t know what to do to brighten my situation…

It’s better off this way….

Bloody knife in my hand Cuts on my wrist

Why oh why did it come to this?

All alone 

In my mind 

No one to help me 

No one so kind 

I’m one cut away from ending it all

Why am I the one who has fallen so hard? 

No one save me 

I don’t want it

Let deaths sweet caress embrace me 

Let me slip away to another plane 

Where I will be better off

Death take me away

From all this pain

I’m here for you 

Take me away….

You need me less than I need you…

The post with this title was supposed to be about how my best friend broke my heart but it’s going to be about something else entirely.  

 This is my husband Andres. He is super cute and nice and charming and caring and the best guy around. Problem is… He isn’t around. He left to Kissimee without me after my parents kicked him out of the house (yes, I live with my parents lol ) I’m empty without him but what I realized after being without him for so long is that I don’t love him. I had a deep sense of caring for him and I miss his company but I don’t love him. Thus, I don’t need him like I used to. I feel bad though cause he’s such a great guy. But I just don’t feel it like I used to…

I’m not the one who’s so far away…

The more that I think about it the more I realize you can’t trust anyone in the world.

All they do is hurt you in the end.

So why trust anyone?

Nobody is worthy of you being vulnerable and fragile. They just fuck you over and fuck you up emotionally and mentally.

I thought people were good.

But I see that no one is good.

Everyone is messed up and selfish and cruel

The world is cruel

Maybe it’s time to harden my heart…